Legolas' Tale of Woe
by Ravendell
Summary: Legolas describes in a poem what it's like to be idolized


Disclaimer & other such comments:  
I do not own Legolas. I am not really obsessed with   
Legoman, nor do I hate him. Enjoy?? Please review,   
and give input.  
PS: forgive me, elf-experts, I screwed up on the   
immortality thing a bit. Plus, it's my first post.  
  
LEGOLAS' TALE OF WOE  
Oh it's not my fault all the girls like me  
It's not my fault as far as I can see.  
I didn't try to be cute or hot  
But I just am, and they love me a lot!  
I have more things to do than hand out autographs  
Life's gone so bleak, there's no more laughs  
Everywhere I go  
Girls tearing and grabbing at me and my clothes  
Who knows who knows  
That I can no longer peacefully doze  
Without fans whispering and pointing at my features like my nose  
I didn't ask for them to love me  
I didn't want the other guys to be jealous of me  
I thought it was good to have immortality  
But now you see, it's a wonder that even THAT can't make the death of me.  
What a life filled with horror, terror, and hate  
All these girls I don't know, pestering me for a date!  
The trees seem to giggle  
As fellow tree-elf maids wiggle  
And squirm with delight  
But I fear they will tear and bite  
Oh what horror! Alas, woe is me!  
Depressed and insane I shall be...  
So frightening is Reality...  
Oh why oh WHY can't they leave me be?!  
Their eyes probe deeper than THE Eye  
The atmosphere around me is filled with obsessed sighs  
Sometimes I wish I was mortal and would die  
To escape their wicked, probing, watchful eyes!  
You have no idea of such a miserable fate  
Doomed to me, only too soon but unfortunately not late.  
Posters up everywhere featuring me--- no more privacy,  
All females have memorized EVERY inch of me and my body  
I only play a small part you all can see-  
Small enough for them to learn every word I've said by memory!  
Again I've tried and I've tried  
Commiting suicide  
But I never ever die  
No never, Immortality does not lie!  
Oh this wretchfulness! this torment!  
Why can't I be ugly, and bent?  
Why not covered with scars and dents?  
Why am I born smelling like I wear the best cologne scent?  
When I take a stroll or a walk I see others drool  
I have to hop over the flooding pools  
And when I hop  
The sighing doesn't stop!  
Every breath I take  
Every move I make  
Every blink I blink  
Every wink I wink  
They watch me with a keenness  
And remark on my cleaness  
Goodness knows  
How far my hygiene privacy goes!  
I hope they don't follow me to certain places I go  
It must seem to them a great show.  
I can't even go into a pool and swim or wade  
Or even go and take a bathe  
Without fans screaming and trying to get near  
And then I call my bodyguards loud and clear  
But my bodyguards got so scared they fled from the mob   
Then all of my obsessed fans tried to apply for the job  
I tried to be a badboy and make them sad or mad  
But they just called louder, we want that buffbadboy Legolad!  
I tried to act nerdy and geeky and stuff  
And tried to be crazy and took a some pipeweed and puffed  
But they just liked me even more  
They found out where I lived from the smoke rings and knocked down my door!  
Oh please Gandalf please help me  
And you too Frodo, Aragorn, and Gimli!  
And you Boromir, Bilbo, elf-brothers, and Great Elrond  
Please stop them from being so fond!  
Must I go to my last chance and take away  
What will disgrace myself to the end of Middle-Earth's days  
And cut my beautiful, blond, elfy, attractive, (sexy) hair  
And free myself from this miserable snare?  
Again I implore, must I have to go bald and bare  
And cut away my prrrreciousss hair?  
No one cares about who I am inside  
They only want me because of my exterior and what's outside  
They don't know my mind, or what they will find inside  
Only me and my looks  
Not what knowledge I've gained from books  
You see, you see, that it turns out my eternal doom  
Is all due to my looks, not for who I really am: Orlando Bloom! 


End file.
